new year

I don't write as much anymore. It feels like too much to ask in the middle of a rebuilding. I don't look in the mirror. She is unfamiliar and the process is already scary enough without checking in too often. But in the meantime....the waiting..... it hurts.

Unpack Your Bags Beloved

I haven't written anything in about a month - here or in my personal journal. I've thought about writing but motivation has been low lately. If you've read my blog this year (bless you for supportive my sporadic hobby) or talked to me for longer than 10 minutes this year I will have told you…

writing again

I write as if it is self-surgery. To acknowledge the bleeding and attempt a diagnosis after chronicling my symptoms. "Today the subject presents with low self esteem, mild anxiety, and is in the middle of a months long depressive state. She appears to be on an upswing after 3 days of immobility." I challenged myself…

10.27

I want someone not too strong They can't try and fight my control issues Someone who won't make me feel... Much of anything No emotions that are too high or low Someone so wrapped up in themselves that they doesn't notice all of my baggage hiding in the corner Who won't ask me to unpack…

10.26

He spoke a poem about depression- lining up skeletons fresh from my closet on the edge of the stage. Saying out loud my whispered prayers and shameful confessions. So matter of fact to my frozen face in the dark crowd. I wanted to leave instead tears flooded my face and a strange relief said "You…

10.25

i cried at the bus stop today. they slipped past my defenses and rolled down my face without permission. a chink in my armor let them pass; distracted by thoughts welling up that i might be a failure and frustrations building because today started just like yesterday and the day before, and the day before,…

10.22

waiting is a skill that must be honed everyday everyday i wait not so patiently for the same bus at (almost) the same time and there is always a moment i start to worry because minutes before it's due i start to feel anxious as if i've been waiting too long and i've somehow missed…

10.17

why don't my dreams chase me why do they seems to enjoy staying slightly out of my reach unattainable as the shelf just outside of my fingertips why don't my dreams stay in focus clear and bright over my surroundings rather than insisting to playing hide and seek with the clouds of normalcy why do…

10.16

Have you ever just been tired of yourself? Ready to dump your entire personality and start over Anything would be better than the same I'm pretty sure I'm the problem And running away to a new life with the same baggage only prolongs the lesson. I wish for the exit sign for this self, these…

10.11

I used to dream epic dreams Of fallen angels and chosen defenders of the fell New mythology of olde tales I used to write ballads Haikus and sonnets Harmonious rhymes that explode into a mighty chorus I used to believe Hopes that made me high Intoxicated in wonder and enveloped in wild fantasies.... When did…